University to Townies: Be a Doll


Copies of How to Be a Picturesque Villager will be distributed free to city residents, courtesy of Brewster University. The book was authored by John Collum, former head of personnel at Disney’s famous Epcot Center.

Some helpful tips from the book include:

  1. Don’t make loud noises after 10 p.m., or before 10 p.m.
  2. When someone walks in front of your car, apply your brakes quickly, roll down your window and cheerily remark, “Good day to you, guvnah!”
  3. Long lines are a problem in this theme park (city). So please do not contribute to the problem by using the more popular rides (pizza parlors) during your breaks. They are there for the customers (students).
  4. Please do not make attempts to express your individuality. Our visitors expect you to be placid and invisible. Think of yourself as a Cheshire Cat – everything but the smile should disappear.

“It was exciting adapting the manual for use in a community,” said Collum. “The workers at Disney only had to keep up the villager act 8-hours-a-day. I admire Brewster citizens for their 24/7 commitment to creating a great environment for Brewster students. In fact, I had some doubts that this was possible. I even suggested to the university that they replace townies with animated dolls. That worked awfully well for us in It’s a Small World.”

Brewster University President Neil Morse acknowledged that the university is investigating deploying animated dolls in the areas immediately surrounding campus. “We think it may be too much of a strain on Brewster residents to frolic picturesquely for the entire academic year,” said Morse. “Investing in animated doll technology is another sign of our commitment to this community.”

 

 

 

 

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Baba Wawa encouwages gwaduates to weach highah


Famed journalist turned star fucker Baba Wawa was the Class Day speaker at Brewster University’s commencement today.

“I could have been satisfied simply weporting the news,” Wawa told the Class of 2012. “But I wealized I had a twue talent foh making celebwities cwy. And I followed that dweam.”

Ms. Wawa was presented with an honorary doctorate, along with Cliff Richard*, Ai Wei Wei**, and Michael Bertrand***.

*If you were British, you’d recognize the name.

**Of course, he wasn’t there to accept it, but it made us feel relevant.

***Not a famous guy, but a big donor. In case you’re interested, the price of an honorary degree is $3.5 million.

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Brewster Takes Over TED Talks, Makes Them Less Smug


The popular “TED Talks” series on innovation will be relocated to Brewster University, where they will be renamed the Ted Geisel Talks, due to a new rule that requires presenters to speak only in rhymed verse.

“That ought to keep those insufferable children down to five minutes,” said Professor of Classics James Lacey, who will be curating the series. “It has to rhyme. They can’t give me any of that free verse crap they got applauded for in Montessori School. I’m also instituting a rule that professional attire must be worn during tapings, which I hope will discourage a great many people from showing up at all.”

Professor Lacey is a longstanding critic of what he calls “Dot Nonsense,” the idea that technology in itself drives change. “Facebook didn’t overthrow Mubarak. People who risked life and limb to get their assess out to Tahrir Square did,” said Lacey. “As anyone who has studied the classics can tell you, getting your ass out there is step one in changing the world. Odysseus didn’t spend a lot of time playing Farmville.”

Brewster will be hosting the talks because “after 40 years in academia, I can bullshit a grant reviewer with the best of them. I just kept using the terms ‘interactive’ and ‘strength-based’ over and over in the application,” said Lacey. “I convinced them that there would be lots of synergies in moving the talks to Brewster.” Lacey went on to define “synergy” as “make-believe partnerships that fill up your inbox.”

The Ted Geisel Talks are named after the children’s author and illustrator better known as Dr. Seuss. Veteran TED speakers were quick to say that Lacey’s new rhyming rule is surely just a joke. “I meant what I said and I said what I meant; those hipsters are tedious, 100 percent,” replied Lacey.

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“Are You Dealing With An Ivy League Grad?” App Gets Failing Grade


Brewster University President Neil Morse today joined colleagues from sister Ivy League schools in condemning the new “Are You Dealing With An Ivy League Grad” app as “riddled with stereotypes and patently offensive.”

The app asks users to answer a series of questions, such as:

  1. Does s/he use summer and winter as verbs?
  2. Does s/he use phrases usually only found in the works of Noel Coward, e.g. ashen-faced or foibles?
  3. Does s/he greet the arrival of the check at the end of a meal with a statement like: Oh my, I don’t have anything smaller than a hundred. Do be a lamb and get this?
  4. Is s/he in a job inexplicably above her/his experience or ability level?
  5. Does s/he consider squash: a. a vegetable b. a sport c. amusement for fellows who aren’t man enough to go out for crew?
  6. Is s/he still waiting for the Nobel Committee to call because s/he once spent a spring break building houses in Honduras?
  7. Does s/he own an a cappella recording?
  8. Does s/he subscribe to The New Yorker but only look at the cartoons?
  9. Has thinking about the estate tax ever caused a panic attack?
  10. Does s/he use familiar terms to refer to noted figures implying a personal acquaintance? For example: I was ashen-faced when I first heard of Bucky Fuller’s idea for the geodesic dome. I thought it was just another of his foibles.
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Brewster sophomore on selective hunger strike


Sophomore Leona Higgins has just completed week-one of her pledge to abstain completely from food, unless it is locally-sourced, sustainable and prepared in a food truck.

“I’m willing to put my life on the line for what I believe,” said Higgins. “Factory farms are destroying the planet and making Americans obese.”

Fortunately, Higgins has had access to a steady diet of artisanal grilled cheese sandwiches, Laotian lettuce wraps and red velvet cupcakes. “We’re pretty confident Leona is not malnourished,” said Dr. John Powers, director of University Health Services. “Though I’d really like to get a look at her cholesterol levels.”

“I’m eating healthier than anyone in this community,” Higgins insisted. “My diet has the integrity of the farm and the poetry of the street.”

Higgins will, of course, be tweeting about her experiences. She can be followed at @eatme. “Please don’t send me perverted messages,” Higgins requests. “Obviously the tag is ironic.”

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Cyclists Really Are Morally Superior


There’s a reason cyclists are so smug – they really are better than you. That’s the finding of a two-year qualitative study by the Brewster Center for Eco-Alternatives.

“Well, obviously,” said Drew Whitman, president of the Brewster Cycling Club. “I can’t believe anyone wasted money studying this issue. Those resources could have been better devoted to developing sustainable agriculture in our community. Hell, they could have done the study in two weeks if they’d crowdsourced it.”

Scientists asked cyclists and non-cyclists (or “polluters,” as cyclists prefer to call motorists) how they would behave in a series of hypothetical situations. For example:

Your plane crashes in a remote area with no food on board. A snow leopard wanders near the wreckage. What do you do?

Most motorists chose to kill and eat the endangered animal. Cyclists overwhelmingly said they would eat their fellow human passengers instead.

“The results were quite striking,” said Jeanne Fuller, associate professor of sociology and principal investigator. “Next time a cyclist cuts me off in traffic, I won’t honk. I’ll just bow my head.”

Whitman hoped that the study would spawn a “more bike-friendly culture” in Brewster. “Right now, we’re expected to obey traffic laws established by and for polluters. Every time a cyclist is ticketed for riding on the sidewalk or powering through a red light, it’s a victory for global warming,” said Whitman.

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Brewster releases Palin emails


Brewster releases Palin emails

As an institution committed to freedom of inquiry, Brewster University released thousands of emails sent and received by Sarah Palin when she served as a visiting scholar at the The Ursus Center for Public Policy, even though Freedom of Information laws did not extend to these materials. A sample follows:

From: Sandra.perry@brewster.edu

To: Grizmom@brewster.edu

Re: Advisement meeting

Dear Governor Palin:

I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to have drawn you as an advisor through the Honors College mentoring program. I am interested in a career in public service. I interned last summer at the Dept. of Homeland Security and learned so much! I would like to set up our first advisement meeting. I’m sure your calendar is quite full and will free up my own time whenever it’s convenient for you.

Regards,

Sandra Perry ‘11

 

 

From: Grizmom@brewster.edu

To: Sandra.perry@brewster.edu

Re: Advisement meeting

Hey, Girlfriend:

You keep those dreams soaring toward your aspirations with the faith and the positivity!

I don’t think we need to actually meet. I can advise you by email. (Isn’t email great!)

  1. Always wear a matte finish lipstick. Too much gloss and people won’t take you seriously.
  2. Whenever one of your kids gets too heavy to carry, pop out another. Nothing makes a better prop than a baby.
  3. Avoid being on the same ticket with any bitter old men.

God Bless!

Sarah

 

From: Sandra.perry@brewster.edu

To: Grizmom@brewster.edu

Re: Advisement meeting

 

Dear Governor Palin:

Thanks very much for sharing those invaluable tips. I was also hoping we could discuss your experiences as governor, as I feel that I would like to prepare myself to someday hold executive office.

Thanks –

Sandra

 

 

From: Grizmom@brewster.edu

To: Sandra.perry@brewster.edu

Re: Advisement meeting

 

Hey, Sandy:

My vision was always on the national and international and intergalactic stage, so when I was governor of Alaska, I didn’t want to just throw away that opportunity by standing around and just governing Alaska.  We girls have to think outside the box if we want to get someone in the old boy’s Netflix. The female governor I always took as my role model was Eleanor Roosevelt, who was always travelling all over the place meeting the people and the populace and touching lives and sharing stories and baking pies and making appearances and washing the dog and just being a darned good American!

God Bless!

Sarah

From: Sandra.perry@brewster.edu

To: Grizmom@brewster.edu

Re: Advisement meeting

 

Hi, Governor Palin:

I’m actually pretty sure, Eleanor Roosevelt was first lady, but I get your point.

Thanks for all the great advice I can see that we don’t actually need to meet.

Best,

Sandra

 

 

From: Grizmom@brewster.edu

To: Sandra.perry@brewster.edu

Re: Advisement meeting

No, hon, Michele Obama is first lady, which is a shame because Todd would have been much better at the job.

Catcha later — SP

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